Like a team of doctors performing a massive blood transfusion on a fading patient, the last 8 months have seen a torrent of government cash injected into the ailing banks on Wall Street. While AIG, Lehman, Lynch and others made bets like twelve year olds in Vegas and used balance sheets for toilet paper, we (the taxpayers) were told there was simply no other option– the banks were just too big to fail.
Outrage– or confusion at least– is appropriate.
After all, why prop up bad Boiler Room bankers in their oxford blues, when there’s a whole world of mediocrity and misery out there to tend to? Just think about the swagger in your walk if you were in charge of doling out a little of that TARP cash. Besides being the least deserving, bankers are probably the most unfunny cause to give more than a few billion dollars to. Here are 4 alternative recipients of that bailout money that might get the average guy a little more bang for his buck:
We need a bailout for bald people. Think all the resolve behind Kennedy’s moon landing, only directed at Larry David’s head. Imagine a country who’s men were no longer threatened with the looming prospect of one day having to apply SPF 60 way beyond their forehead. If you have any doubts, take the best looking guy you can think of– then take away his hair. He’s finished. There are only two cool looking bald guys in the world: Bruce Willis and Captain Picard from that Star Trek series in the ‘90’s. And that’s no consolation because most of us can’t escape explosions un-singed and aren‘t going boldly beyond anywhere besides the couch.
The High School Me
My two goals in high school: try to get a girlfriend, and don’t get your ass kicked. If I came anywhere close to achieving those, I was doing pretty well. Man, I could have used some of those TARP funds. My whole high school career might have qualified as a “troubled asset.” If I had a couple billion, I’d roll into school everyday on horseback with a laser light show and the theme music from Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper following me everywhere. Instead of a fake I.D, I’d leverage-buyout Anheuser-Busch. And I’d still get recess.
I seem to remember robots once being a permanent fixture in anything having to do with the future. Everybody was fairly sure that by 2050 we’d all at least have one robot friend, probably a robot enemy, and would definitely be leaving mundane things like feeding ourselves up to robots. The prospect of virtual reality, too, was big. The high school me could have really gone for both of those. Who decided robots were a bad idea? The Terminator movies?
Little explanation needed. I can’t think of another beverage so widely scattered around college front lawns and so widely hated at the same time. Anyone who’s had the pleasure of sipping a Milwaukee’s Best knows that if that’s the best Milwaukee can do, you might as well scratch that city off your to-go list.
So there’s a start, Obama Administration. Forget the Lower Manhattan, Brooks Brothers set: the real America– the America of bald guys and high school kids everywhere– is waiting.
Image credit: flickr/Alex E. Proimos Creative Commons license